There IS hope.

Walking on eggshells, feeling anxious, confused, scared, depressed, overwhelmed, deflated, isolated, useless, diminished, defeated, loss of confidence, continually doubting yourself, sense of hopelessness and feeling ashamed - the list can go on.

Domestic abuse is a difficult subject to think about, let alone talk about. Many perhaps still see domestic abuse as purely physical. Abuse comes in many other forms; mental, emotional, spiritual, coercive, manipulative, controlling, financial, narcissistic and it is very often quite subtle to begin with. On the Women’s Aid website, they state: Coercive and controlling behaviour is at the heart of domestic abuse and has been a specific criminal offence since the end of 2015. Coercive control is defined in statutory guidance as, “a purposeful pattern of behaviour which takes place over time in order for one individual to exert power, control or coercion over another” (Home Office, 2015).

Victims are regularly put down, shouted at, called names, humiliated, intimidated, insulted and de-valued. They are blamed for anything that goes wrong in the abusers life, there is very little responsibility from the abuser themselves. The abuser is then likely to try and convince everyone else that there is a problem with the victim, that they are unstable in some way.
There is generally a cycle of abuse: The tension builds, abuser acts out, they will then apologise and possibly make excuses for their behaviour, promise that it won’t happen again perhaps ‘treat’ the victim to a meal out or an item of clothing. There will then be periods of calm before they find something else to accuse, blame or control the victim with.

Narcissistic abuse can include excessive control, denial and trivialisation, gaslighting – a form of psychological abuse that involves making the victim question their reality, memories and perceptions of their sanity. This causes the victim to feel anxious, confused and unable to trust themselves.
Narcissists tend to be attracted to empaths. Kind, generous, agreeable and forgiving people who aim to be supportive and compassionate. Empaths are very caring individuals who tend to put others needs before their own; they find caring and giving second nature, whereas a narcissist is unable to feel empathy for another. (Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, being able to put yourself in another’s shoes). The empath will try and see the good in the narcissist and can lose themselves as they internalise the abuse and blame themselves.
Many empaths, people who are highly sensitive to the energies around them (not every empathic person is an empath), find themselves in relationship with a narcissist,

Abusers very often come across as a nice, considerate and caring individual. Many abusers project this image as a form of control, making the victim appear to be the one with a problem. Further isolation ensues as others cannot see the problem.

So once recognised, why would someone stay in an abusive relationship?
FEAR. Fear of what will happen if they leave, because the perpetrator has threatened to cause harm on many occasions. Fear of where to go; because they have been told that they have nowhere to go or that no-one will believe them. Fear of what to do; because they have been told that they’re useless, that they can’t or won’t survive without the abuser. Fear of the future; because they have lost sight of who they are, what they have to offer, because they’ve come to believe though the abuse that they’re nothing. Fear ultimately controls what the victim does, or doesn’t, do.

And there is hope. With the right help and support a victim becomes a survivor. By healing from the trauma, learning why they found themselves in this type of relationship and learning how to be in the world in a way that supports and validates them, they learn that they can heal and move on in life. They learn that they are good enough. They learn how to live again and choose better partners in future.

Many years ago Helen was on the receiving end of domestic abuse. It took her three attempts to get out. It was when the Police involved the Southern Domestic Abuse Service and a room became available at a women’s refuge that she was able to leave. Refuges are available for those referred to the service; those deemed to be victims of abuse.

Helen is also a sensitive; an empath and HSP (Highly Sensitive Person – see www.hsperson.com), her absolute strength once she recognised her innate trait and what it meant. Having experienced many difficult times in her life, it is those moments that have shaped her to be the therapist she is.

Helen has helped men and women who have been on the receiving end of psychological abuse and many of those have also been sensitive in one way or another.

Not for those in the acute stage, Helen helps individuals understand how they landed up with the wrong partners and how to move on from this. Helen is a teacher, counsellor, coach and energy worker and combines these with Emotional Freedom Technique, commonly known as tapping and a simple, but highly effective therapy to heal trauma quickly and painlessly. Helen also works with her clients to recognise their negative thoughts and self-talk and turn them around.

Stop Domestic Abuse (Southern Domestic Abuse Service) – call specifically trained advice line workers on 0330 0533630. This is also the number to access help for children.

www.womensaid.org.uk
www.stopdomesticabuse.uk
www.mensadviceline.org.uk
www.mankind.org.uk